I’m finally feeling well again, after my breakdown and hospitalization in March. It can take up to a year to heal from such experiences. I had to take a leave of absence from school in the spring, but I did take an art course this fall. It was the most cathartic thing I’ve done in a long time… and I excelled! Unfortunately, taking on 1 class completely messed me up with financial aid.
Yes, it seems that Sallie Mae, colleges and universities make it hard on people with disabilities. The Catch-22 of it all is that I have bipolar disorder and have recurring episodes of the illness which affects my abilities to be in school, but neither Sallie Mae nor schools take this into consideration in regards to financial aid and paying back loans. It is an across-the-board requirements, with absolutely no exceptions, that a student must be enrolled part-time and matriculating at least half the credits of a normal load, or else you do not get aid AND you are no longer in deferment (so you’ve got to also pay back on all loans). In my case, that means I have to take at least 2 classes in order to be eligible for aid. However, I can’t always take 2 classes because of my illness. There are forms you can fill out to get a deferment (for various reasons), but those forms as complicated as the government can make them. In the meantime, I’ve been able to avoid the situation for as long as possible but I do have to face the music soon… Sallie Mae has been calling me and I know they want a payment.
As far as living delibrately goes, I find myself doing this habitually. I’ve woven this trend into my approach with managing my illness and everything else I do that it has truly become a way of life. Thankfully too, I practice Nichiren Buddhism and I have regular therapy appointments in which I am constantly exercising my ability to be mindful. Through this, I am feeling the oneness of myself and my environment more than ever. I no longer feel “broken” and the reflection of myself that I see in others is more positive than I could have ever imagined. I am reaping the benefits of chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo. I absolutely feel that I’m in the right time and space to grow and succeed.
I have had company since the late summer. My best friend is going through yet another life transforming experience (a euphemism for being unemployed and living with friends) so while she’s doing her soul searching, I’m taking care of her 2 cats, Starbuck & Buddha. 
They are darlings, but it does take its toll on me sometimes. They’ve put me on a feeding schedule so I am no longer allowed to sleep late and I’m sequestered to be at home before 6pm. Starbuck likes constant attention… he can sleep in my arms for hours at a time while I’m trying to work on my computer. Buddha is more mellow, but he has his moments of neediness… he likes to snuggle in bed with me and has the most demanding meow I’ve ever heard. Then there’s the litterbox… my least favorite job. I do love their company though. They have reminded me that love is supreme and a connection to others is necessary. I will keep them for as long as my friend needs them to be with me.
Well, I don’t have to tell anyone times are tough all over. The world is feeling the pocketbook pinch, and I am no exception. I have been able to maintain my frugal existence, but my savings were decimated by the purchase of a new clutch in September. I had hoped to purchase a washer & dryer with that money, but it will have to wait until I build up my cash reserve again. Through these tough times though, I have sacrificed much… I do not carry cash because I know I spend it heedlessly; I heat my home with 1 ceramic tower heater to save on utilities since I live alone and electricity is cheaper than gas; I go to campus and community events which serve refreshments and carry food storage bags to take home leftovers; I’m reduced to shopping at Wal-Mart and Dollar Stores for many of my staples; I have on many occasions disclosed that I’m a starving student living on a fixed income. However I have gained wisdom and fortitude because I am deliberately practicing the frugality I preach. I have been able to keep to my budget and/or been satisfied to “do without” in order to keep to my goals. Most of all, I do all of this with appreciation… I know I receive more than most living on Social Security disability and I have a responsibility not to squander my good fortune.
I’ll sign off for now, but I will be writing more in future.
