I must admit that for the last week or so I’ve felt like I’ve been dragging. I have not been waking up with “an infinite expectation of the dawn” lately. It could be due to my menstrual cycle & hormone fluctuations, which also exacerbate my bipolar disorder (none of which Mr. Thoreau had to deal with while living on Walden Pond). Or it could be the full moon is affecting me… I could barely get to sleep last night because it was so bright. Perhaps it is all of these things and more, but rather than ponder on the causes, I will return to the roots of why I started my life experiment.
I am doing this in order to live deliberately… mindfully… sensibly… without the chaos which is usually tethered to my mood swings and hormones. I want balance (and dare I say, control), good health, happiness, love, and time to enjoy it all. My therapist told me today that the “blahs” I’m feeling right now are inevitable in the process of change and transformation — it’s a 90 day thing that happens which might cause a relapse to former behavior patterns. The “honeymoon” is over and I’m feeling bored & confined with my new self! I actually considered performing a form of “retail therapy” (window shopping, really) today, but promised my therapist that I would refrain. She reminded me to get back to my basics and perform my necessary “life skills” so I could get back on track.
What are my “life skills?” Principally, I define them as key tasks I must complete in order to live my life. Unfortunately because of my illness and upbringing, performing life skills are not innate to me. My list of essential life skills are as follows:
- taking my medications (including vitamins & supplements)
- reciting my prayers and chanting nam myoho renge kyo
- eating breakfast (including having a cup of tea)
- showering (including brushing my teeth)
- dressing (including fixing my hair)
- going outside
If I don’t do these things each & every day, I get lost in myself (and my illness) and tend to isolate. My mood destabilizes without this structure in my life. I’m pissed that I have to actually work to do these things — most people don’t. Many people take these things on my list for granted… I, alas, cannot. I’m only pissed about it now because I’m at a plateau and, today, I’m feeling willful rather than willing.
Dash it all… I’m going to the store! I need to buy some tampons!!!
Postscript: I wonder if Henry David Thoreau would have been able to live on Walden Pond if he were born a woman???
